Continuation

How can I realize my emotions are rising up; how can I be aware of that and then give way to them? He always makes an escape... why am I not running to the DOOR?


God has been showing me that a great deal of anger still exists inside of me. I thought I'd given it all to Him. Maybe, sometimes, we have to give and give and give it to Him each time He peels back another layer. Maybe this committment to His healing is a continual process. Maybe that's the faith to faith, glory to glory...


For two days of homeschooling and therapy, Ely was very argumentative and defiant. She didn't want to do her work... she didn't want to do her weights and excersizes. Days like this are so hard.
God, what do you want me to do? Do I let her just relax and sit with a movie? Do I push her through her rage and fits? What do I do? I drove Ely to Mom's so we could have a break from each other. I didn't know what else... Sometimes I think it would be better for Ely to have skilled therapists working with her. I remember as a teacher there were things my students would do for me that they resisted to complete for their parents. Am I holding her back by keeping her home with me? My home vs. group home? God, JUST TELL ME.

So after the tsunami of tears... puffy eyed, exhausted-- I drive back out to Mom's. I can't leave her there. She will think I don't want her. Honestly, I don't know what she'll think... I don't know what she'll think or feel, but I do know that God will never leave or forsake ME.  With all my heart, I want to please Him, and I want to be like Him. He doesn't run from me when I am argumentative or defiant... I have injuries that He came to bind up. I want to be that for my daughter. How does and injured person help another injured person? Lord, heal us.

I know I can trust Him, Ely belongs to Him. Why then did I get to that high panic mode place again? There are so many questions that flood my mind. How am I supposed to be? Why am I still so broken inside about the suicide and injury? Am I doing enough? Is love the only healing she needs? Do I worry about spelling, speech, math, science? Or are rest and laughter the best medicine? God, JUST TELL ME!


I truly am thankful for His miracle. He allowed her to live, and I see improvements. I know she has many moments of joy. That should be enough, shouldn't it? Why am I desperate for her to be independent and functioning? Why do I desire to know the finished product that she will be? God is the one who will either give her restoration or won't. His judgements are better than gold... why is there a pulling in my chest? Why do I fast and pray and fall into this paralysis? I'm waiting, God.


I remember one day months ago when I was struggling-- laying in the floor, crying and yelling... God, WHY? Do you love me? Why aren't you taking care of this NOW? You could if you wanted to... You could've stopped her from hanging herself. You can do ANYTHING! And I heard His sweet voice so quietly whisper in my heart... You're not glad...

Oh, God, I am glad, but I want Your gladness to fill me completely. I want your gladness to overflow and run and run and run. I am so sorry that I want more... I long to be glad and complete in You, abiding in the Vine, dwelling in You, and following Your voice. Thank you for Your grace when I am overcome by my emotions. Thank you for reminding me that You have overcome, and in You, I am also because You say it is TRUE.


And so, at the end of the battery of questions and tears and regrets, I find my Master waiting with arms wide open... and I thank Him. I fall into His good arms and rest.


I Am A Temple by John Mark McMilan
(Krew's favorite song right now. It spoke forgiveness to me today.)


Deep inside me
There's this burning
That just won't let me go
You are my fire
You are my righteousness
You are my rock in roll


I wish I could fit you
Down inside my chest God
I wish I could swallow you whole
I'd wrap you up
In a blanket of my skin
And you could call my body home


I am a temple
My body is a temple
I am a temple


So what if I'm not worthy
You make me clean


I can't get over how quickly you recover
The pieces of my heart as they shatter
Cause in your hands I am
More than just a brand new man
And all my falling down now
It just don't matter


I am a temple
My body is a temple
I am a temple


So what if I'm not worthy
You make me clean