Fast Forward

My intentions were to move from the event forward; reviewing journals, rewriting, recalling... in order. Primarily, that is the way this blog will be shared. However, today screams inside of me, needing to be locked down here.
It was a hard day. It was a day of frustration and tension. Battling in such an unusual multi-layered way. So often I find myself balancing between mother and therapist. I grapple with finding this perfect mixture of myself... how much firm? how much encouragement dipped in tolerance??  So firm won out for most of the homeschooling day, and she chose rebellious probably due to her frustration.
I want to know how to help her NOT give up on trying. I know it's hard, but she tosses in the towel so quickly- handwriting, math problems, puzzles. Before the hanging, Ely was in the Gifted-Talented courses. She'd never faced any subject matter that was difficult for her. Her mental processing abilities were so amazing to experience. Brilliance shone in her eyes and through every conversation... it's different now. It is so hard for her, and she's aware of the discrepancies. That surrender triggers alarms inside of me. It's like panic and fear mock me... "She still wants to give up."
So the enemy punched me a couple of good ones today. I didn't run screaming, trying to find someplace to hide like July 2008- July 2009. Thank you, Jesus, you are the strength inside my weakness. And YET... with the grace He's placed inside of me, He is still displacing anxiety which morphs into attack so quickly. My fears-- I hate the friction in OUR working this out. I must remember EVERY day to cast every care upon Him. The enemy gave me a bloody nose again. I didn't leave the fight though. Praise God.


 I want to be a LOVE WARRIOR that can't be shaken.