When tears begin, very often Ely trembles and shakes... tonight it happened again. We are trying to encourage her to use the computer to assist with sequencing and problem solving memory issues in a fun way. Tonight Ely worked on her island on Facebook, and moving the mouse with the touch pad sometimes requires multiple attempts to get the cursor in just the right spot then clicking is another challenge and the effort seemed overwhelming for her. She was frustrated. I encouraged her reminding her how much she's remembering on her own.
God spoke to my heart about her frustration and showed me that I also fall into the pit of frustration when I am not operating at the level I believe I "should" be. There's no difference. It's frustration because of some implied should be... Ely and I aren't embracing what IS in this moment aside from all circumstances. Accepting the Lord at the age of 37 often creates the thought inside of me, if I'd have committed to Jesus earlier, my _______________ would have been different. I'm sure Ely thinks, if I wouldn't have made the decision to die, my life could be ________________. Does everyone find themselves in that whirlwind at times?
When this occurs, He showed me we can't operate in His abounding grace because there are comparisons and limitations wrapped up in the past and stretching out into the future that are somehow dependent upon us. When I begin to examine what I can produce, what I haven't accomplished, the joy drains.
He is eternal. Time doesn't LIMIT the Alpha and Omega. Because all things are NEW creations in Him, there are no limitations. There's a song by John Mark McMillan (yes, love the way his brain processes life and God's LOVE) that says I'm crawling on the floor just to find You now... Yes, that fits this season. We are crawling and searching and hungry for You, Lord.
Lord, bring Your peace in this moment. Generously give peace and satisfaction in You.
This blog is an account of my walk with my daughter, Elysia, through her suicide, resuscitation, brain injury, and HEALING. This blog is our testimony to the great love, mercy, power, and kindness of GOD. The entries are in reverse.
You know it is weird. I find myself anxiously awaiting your next post. My sister, the writer, the follower of Christ, the mother of my precious niece, and the strongest woman I know. I remember that 13th day of February closely nearing our second year anniversary. A true celebration of life thru the eyes of a child. A child of God's. When Natalie started writing this blog, I found myself realizing that she was writing so many words, thoughts and feelings that I daily felt. A little history about my relationship with Elysia: I knew how much I loved her the night her mother knocked on my door and said, "I just got pregnant." Yes, she knew from the moment she conceived this precious child! I believe that God spoke to her at that moment to let her know about the gift she was being given. I was given the gift of being in the water with her when she delivered Elysia. What a powerful and beautiful moment! I thought I would be selfish and not want to share my sister with anyone else, but it is true the love God gives us just keeps growing. From the moment I could see her and hold her she brought me and my husband such joy. Rusty and I did not have any children of our own during our marriage, but we were blessed with the presence of Ely. That takes me back to 2/13/08. I was getting out of the shower and the phone rang, it was Natalie. When I heard her voice she was so calm that it was eerie. She said she needed me, that Ely had hung herself at school
ReplyDeleteShe said she needed me, that Ely had hung herself at school and that she was at Cozby-Germany Hospital being resuscitated, I couldn't breath. This wasn't real. I was dreaming. It was the worst nightmare. She was lying. She wouldn't lie to me or about her children. Get it together Shonna! Natalie, calmly said, "I need my sister." "What do we do? Where do you want her to go?" At that point all I could think was get her to a higher level of care. My nursing and Trauma instincts kicked in, thank God, that is the only thing real I could hold on to at that moment. Nursing not "Aunting" at that very moment was a gift that I knew God had given me, but was I making the right decision? If she had gone to a different tertiary facility would she be at a different healing level today? Daily I have to tell myself, "it is all in God's hands, plan and time." No, God did not make this happen, but he does take a bad situation and use it for good. I had to learn that over and over from my own childhood experiences. When I hung up with Natalie, of course, I called the only person that I needed to at that very moment, Rusty. Just hearing his voice gave me enough strength to get dressed and in my car. I called my dear friend Melody and said I wouldn't be in to work in the Emergency Room that night. I was so blessed to be working exactly where I was and with the peers and leaders that I was brought to at that moment in my life. When I go in my car I called my Father and he did not want me to drive, but like Natalie I knew I just needed to be alone with God and drive. I don't remember the drive. I remember making phone calls to the incoming hospital. I had close friends and peers that were ER nurses and Trauma surgeons.
ReplyDeleteI kept thinking maybe if they know she is mine, my niece, my family that they would work harder and not give up on this child. I called friends that lived in Tyler and could get there and be with my sister before I could. They were my angels, my saving graces that day. Just knowing that Amy and Samantha could get there made me a little calmer. I didn't want to see anyone when I arrived at the hospital except my sister and Elysia. I couldn't even think. How did I get there? How did we get to this place? Why? Why would this precious beautiful and brilliant child kill herself? Did someone hurt her? Did I miss something? How did I, an Emergency room nurse, her Aunt, not know that this child was so sad that she REALLY did not want to live? You see, in Emergency medicine we learn early on that if you really want to die or commit suicide, you don't take pills, cut yourself, or even use a gun. No, we know that if you want to be successful at suicide, you hang yourself. "We" know that this is the best way to ensure death, that these patient's are truly disturbed by life and choose death. Somehow I made it through the hallways, elevators and corridors and saw my sister. She was on her knees praying until we saw one another. She got up and lead me to the doors outside of the ICU where Ely was being "held." Her face was so purple, swollen, and distorted. Her tongue was protruding and her eyes were bulging. I still pray every night to clear that vision from my head and heart. All of the petechiae around her eyes and bruising to her neck. I kept flashing back to the Trauma and Forensic patient's. Most of those patients with those injuries did not live. I ended up praying with their families and performing post mortem care after an unsuccessful resuscitation. But, there was my niece, Elysia! She had this innocence about her. Her face thru all of the injuries and trauma was beautiful and child-like. God, I love her! God please help her! My pleas and bargaining began. You see, we handle stressful events in our life based on our earlier experiences. So, mine wasn't arguing with God, it was bargaining with him, just like in my earlier childhood experiences.
ReplyDeleteMy pleas and bargaining began. You see, we handle stressful events in our life based on our earlier experiences. So, mine wasn't arguing with God, it was bargaining with him, just like in my earlier childhood experiences. Quickly within arriving to the room, probably within the first shocking and heartbreaking 3 minutes, God blessed me again with kicking in the nursing. Although, this time I got to be her and touch her, pray with her and my sister. I always knew how much Natalie loved me and trusted me with her babies, but not until this did I really realize how much she shared being a mother with me. The childless daughter. In this adult ICU the visitor rules should not have included letting someone stay at the bedside, but since Ely was an adolescent that was
ReplyDelete. Natalie at that very moment gave me the most precious gift she could ever give, and that was allowing me to stay with Ely. Some asked me, but she is her mother why did she let you stay? You know why.....because of her selfless love for her daughter! She thought that I could do Ely more good than she could. Now, I don't know if that is true or not, but I don't know what I would have done if she would not have allowed me that special gift. I even caught myself over the next several days taking this dictatorship role over who should visit. I know now it was fear and my "Aunt Shonna" role that was in control during those moments (mixed in with way too many years being in charge). I also know now why God chose Natalie to be the mother instead of me. Growing up everyone would have assumed that motherhood would have been my role, and boy were we wrong. It has taken me several weeks to get the courage to write my feelings even to this point. Like motherhood, Natalie was also given the writing ability on our side of the family, not to mention her faith and strength. Thank you to my beautiful sister and my loving and forgiving God!
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